1) You’re fired :0
2) Jury deliberating. Looks bad :(
3) Dr says heart attack... <3
4) I’m gonna cut you >:0
5) Mom, I’m gay :)
6) Lol, killed dog w/ bare hands :P
7) Universe is expanding :/
8) I can't keep it in anymore. I love you. I've been watching you with unbridled longing from across the office for seven years, hoping the yearning would cease. But it's not, it only grows stronger, and if I can't have you I'm going to honestly lose my sanity ;)
1) Guy who brings his girlfriend to the gym to spot him
2) People who read one book a year and tell everyone they have to read it
3) Woman on subway singing along with her headphones
4) Guy giving us dirty look when we sing along with our headphones
5) Everyone who's suddenly an expert on Iranian politics
6) Bartenders who insist on being called mixologists
7) Free-love hippies who turn out to be super anal about sharing drugs
8) Dental hygienists with huge hands
1) “Felt like the actress I was pressuring wasn't really into it. Three stars."
2) “Was definitely anxious, but Paul helped me relax by ordering me ten shots of Hennessy.”
3) “At first I was like ‘inseminate your own mare,’ but once I got going it was alright.”
4) “Help!! Can never remember which way is the gay way!!”
5) “Not bad, but the look in Tom Cruise’s eyes toward the end kinda freaked me out.”
6) “Still the most efficient way to propagate the species."
7) “Meaningful, intimate, profound… I’m so glad I waited until marriage to buy a thesaurus.”
8) “Gross.”
